Monday, May 16, 2011

Always trust your gut...literally

I hadn't dropped a deuce in 2 days, then tonight after sushi, I had a cup of coffee. I'm still on crutches after my accident, and went home. As I'm about 4 miles from home...the pain started. I had to shit.


I hit the flashers and drive my ass off, as I'm on the highway. I pull in my (shared) driveway and try my best to climb out of the car...with crutches. A terrible idea that I can tell isn't going to end well.  As I put one foot on land it starts.

I shit my pants.

Every step I take, I'm still shitting. I can't stop. My bowels explode. I can't stop shitting.
For the love of baby Jesus my FRESH out of the dryer jeans now smell like a monkey's ass after a night out with 3 sailors drinking whiskey.

To make matters worse, my place is on the second floor. I can't hobble my girth up the stairs fast enough. As I make the landing, I fart and shit at the same time, and I feel it run down my leg. I'm in full emergency mode. I finally get in the door, after I of course drop the keys, to walk into a bathroom only 50 ft away...ONLY. As I get in the bathroom, I drop trow and the stench is of death. WTF DID I EAT! OMG! I sit down on the throne, and have 5 minutes of a massive movement. How the hell did I have that much shit in me? Jesus, I'm full of shit! When I was done, I stand up to see my ass is covered. The toilet is covered. Shit on the floor. Shit in my soft cast moonboot.

Shit was everywhere.

Literally. I just wanted to cry. I've never seen so much shit in my life. I've never seen so much shit. I start the shower, and clean the toilet. For once in my life, I wish I didn't live alone, and was glad one of my manservants wasn't here to witness this horror.

I get all the shit cleaned up, and I get dressed to go back out. I hear a horn beeping. I don't give a fuck. I just shit my pants, my leg is throbbing, and I just wanna get to the store for milk and ironically, toilet paper. I take the shitty pants downstairs to the washer and my cool neighbor ask what's going on when the dumbfuck Audi TT driving douchefag neighbor (yeah I said, it) come up barking at me to move my car. I laughed in his face told him to FUCK OFF, don't talk that way to me or I'll beat you ass, while I'm on crutches. Oh yeah see these things in my arm pits you self-centered FUCK, those are crutches. I would say suck my dick, but you'd enjoy it. Cool neighbor tells him he'd better get the fuck outta our building, because he'll beat his ass.

Douchefag retreats. I take my jeans downstairs to wash, and Fat bitch walks in telling me to move. I tell her the same thing as douche. She then tells me "Well you shouldn't be driving". I proceed to tell her "I didn't know you were my doctor. By the way, stop eating and get the fuck out, you cow." I'm in no mood. So finally after 10 more minutes, I get done and go to the store.

That's the story how I shit my 31

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