Friday, November 5, 2010

The Dann starter kit...what you need to become The Dann

Thank you all for the support from the first posting. I'm trying to make this more regular but, life, (attempted) love, and boozing gets in the way. Have you ever tried to write shitballs drunk? It's not as easy as it sounds. Hell according to Curt, I'm a handful drunk. Maybe that's why I'm getting the cold shoulder? Aww piss...So let's get at the matter at hand. Things it takes to be The Dann. These are daily items needed to operate under the tawdriness, debauchery, and down right hell raising that I do.

The List.

1. Condoms: Preferably. the #1 trusted brand, Trojan. Why? They fit my legendary member how they should. I've never had one break, or had any concerns. Remember, you get what you pay for. I like the best. Never leave home without at least 3. You never know when it could be a busy day.

2. Sunglasses:  Big ones. When you leave the house, after a night out raising hell, your eyes are gonna hurt. Bloodshot, under eye bags, or maybe even a black eye. You need to protect those beautiful blues. Have you ever tried to do the walk of shame without sunglasses? I don't advise it. I swear it makes your hangover worse, and you feel more slutty, since you can't hide your shame. Besides what would the boss say if you looked like hell?

3. Audi keys: The Dann only drives Audi's and other German brands. If your gonna be a playboy, make sure it's ready to make a statement. When your at a bar with a chick or a dude (in my case) placing keys next to your drink is a subtle way to show you have class, and taste. Even if you're a total dickhead that's just looking to fuck. These are the keys to their pants.

4. Skoal: Yeah, I know it's not very gay of me, but you know what? 95% of you faggots smoke. You can't taste my Skoal nor, does it stink up the entire fucking bar. Besides, it's a good stress reliever, nicotine fixer, or date ender.

5. A good bartender: Let's face it. If your going to be a bad boy, Charlie Sheening poonhound, you must have a good bartender. The guy or gal that will have a drink ready when you  walk in the door to make you look like your important, listen to how big of a prick your boss is, or give you the dish on who's the newest catch to fuck that night. A good bartender is worth their weight in gold...and have you seen the price of gold lately?

6. Bourbon: When I say bourbon, I don't mean that fucking well shit that some of you fuckers try to trick my palate with as a cruel joke. Haven't you realized, my tongue has been in a lot of dark places but, can still taste a good bourbon a mile away? Let's get something straight, I ONLY drink Kentucky bourbon. I don't like whiskey, or scotch. Preferred brands of The Dann include, Woodford Reserver, Marker's Mark, Blanton's Buffalo Trace, Pappy Van Winkle, and when I feel rough or wanna start a fight, Booker's. Uncut my men.

7. Good looking men/dates: Let's face it, I'm a prick. If I'm going to a social gathering and I'm not with one of my right hand buds, I'm with a really hot dude. I don't mean good looking, I mean he's a fucking 10. Think Abercrombie hot. I'm a good looking bastard, why shouldn't I have the same? Besides, I can't disappoint my fans. Who are these men? My thing is blondes, or redheads. I melt over blue eyes. Green's my other fav. But somehow, I've dated and been partnered with brunettes with brown eyes. The exact opposite of what I like, but those dudes get inside of my and make me realize I still do have a soul.

8. Jeans and a T: After years of corporate bullshit, wearing suits, slacks, collared shirts, and ties, I'm fucking over it. When you see me out and about, 98% of the time, I'm in a T and jeans. Doesn't matter the weather. Although, my uncle Ralph just gave me the "your over 30 now, start dressing like it" speech. Fuck him.

9. Flip-flops or loafers: I hate shoes. As much as the Klan hates blacks, but without the violence or hate speech. I only wear them because it's socially unacceptable to walk into a bar barefoot. I wear the bare minimum that's still fashionable to get the job done.

10. Good lube: I don't care if you're flat broke, or down to your last $20. BUY GOOD LUBE! Without it, sex sucks. Who wants bad sex? All of my partners will assure, sex with me is something to write home about. Cougars have told me they've heard about me, and dudes wanna know my secret. There's a dude right now that wants to fuck based solely on my dicking abilities. No date. No hang time. Just a good old fashioned dicking. My dick and Wet brand lube are to contributing factors.

11, A good watch: Yes, I know we all have clocks on our cells fucker, but a watch is a timeless piece of class that can't be forgotten. The right one can upsell a date since your already in your jeans and T. Currently, I wear a Citizen in stainless steel. It's going on it's 4 year birthday, yet has survived daily use and abuse of being The Dann.

12. A wingman: I don't care if your gay or straight, man or woman. You need a wingman. I'm a helluva salesman, but, a wingman can help seal the deal. Last week, my wingman got my laid by some dude dressed as "Donkey" from Shrek, I shit you not. I knocked boots with Donkey...yet he didn't have a donkey dick...but that's another story. Wingmen are supposed to be there on stand-by to step up when you fuck up. To dot your "i" and cross your "t". Last weekend, my wingman John was on his game. At 3 bars, he was at my 6 catching the bombs. Wingmen do whatever it takes to seal the deal. Need drinks for you and your conquest? Forget conquest name? Wanna change conquest? Wingman has you covered. YOU do the same.

Last but not least...RED BULL. It's not just for frat boys and Jagerbombs anymore. Red Bull gets me doing every morning. Piss, Red Bull, shit, shower, shave, and scoot out the door. That's my routine every morning. I can't get going until I get a fix. Later in the day on a weekend, I'll get the one more as a pick me up. It's a guarantee to get me going all night. ;-)

These are the things it takes to be The Dann on a daily basis, give or take a few things. I never said it was easy being me. Now as I approach another weekend, I leave you with one question. Who will I do next?

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